Eff...

Welcome Home

2012-01-15T18:04:00.000-08:00

Upon hearing my parents talk about selling our summer home in Nova Scotia, my sisters and I planned a trip out east to pay our last respects to the area we called home for so many years. One last trip with the whole family.

music: Radical Face - Welcome Home

bittersweet

2012-01-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

catching up on editing can sometimes be bittersweet.

i miss you, lil one.

been a long time...

2012-01-11T14:09:00.000-08:00

shouldn't have left you.

i'm really quite phenomenal at the disappearing act, am i not? well, i got smacked down pretty hard last week and have been housebound for almost a week now. Sprained ankle like whoa. Boyfriend promised me that rock climbing would teach me things... and it has. It has taught me just how productive I can be when I'm not required to leave the house for a few days and just how much I would rather be shooting/editing/writing than working at a cafe. Also... I've rekindled my love affair with yoga and spent so much quality time with kitten. Besides the pain, the annoying ice packs and the hobbling, this sprained ankle may be the best thing that's happened to me since... well... since....

let's play a bit of catchup, shall we?
i've missed you!

1. sprained ankle means... clean bedroom. FINALLY
2. we call this broken ankle pie.
3. kitten is tuckered after hours of playing fetch.
4. editing the night away in my favorite editing pants
5. we spent about 4 hours in emerg. upon hearing "frances, your xrays are clean" we high-fived.
6. new years eve kiss
7. boyfriend, i like you.
8. phil djs nye
9. fancy dress in a fancy loft
10. restless afternoon.
11. new/old tv table + candied ginger thanks to maxine
12. white hair
13. me sit on my butt for more than a day? i think not.

damn you, monday!

2011-11-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

You win...
but look how much fun i had!

kitten kept me company

check out my hot shoes. definitely not getting rid of these puppies

kitten takes advantage of a stolen moment to check emails and makes herself comfortable on my butt

autumn walk

snug as a bug

what a lovely day

good friends

Nathan makin his app

i love you autumn!

on the agenda for tomorrow:
finish book
finish test for new art piece
Start and finish new art piece
Make progress on JGL's birthday present
Put away *dry* laundry
Purge closet
Clean bedroom
Sew buttons on two jackets
Edit at least one session
Catch up with Hyphen Blogs
Organize agenda for December (believe you me, this one may make or break me!)
Take photos to sell vintage shoes
Sort through old brain dump
Look for inspiration for Saturday shoot
Organize and send out receipts
Practice skating routine with music
Put instagram presets onto Desktop

To be fair... I did crap out on the list once 6pm rolled around. I had an important place to be and important people to see.
Now for some sleep. 5am comes sooner than I think.

til tomorrow todo list,
xo.f

impossible today

2011-11-21T09:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Blogger,

Today I am going to attempt the impossible, and I am going to use you as a way of documenting these impossibilities and my ability to kick their asses.

I may be crazy. That may be true.

Goals for today:
~~Clear out Inbox of 362 messages~~
~~Follow up with clients~~
~~Catch up with laundry (would you believe there's at least five massive loads?!)~~
~~Do all handwashing~~
Create book from scratch
Start and finish test for new art piece
Start and finish new art piece
Make progress on JGL's birthday present
~~Clean out fridge/freezer~~
~~Hit the market~~
Put away laundry
Purge closet
~~Purge dresser~~
~~Change bed~~
Clean bedroom
~~Clean bathroom~~
~~Clean off porch~~
~~Change litter~~
~~Deal with finances~~
~~Go through winter coats and figure out if anything still fits~~
Sew buttons on two jackets
~~Upload all images to computer~~
Edit at least one session
Catch up with Hyphen Blogs
~~Create at least one blog post~~
Organize agenda for December (believe you me, this one may make or break me!)
~~Organize transportation for Northampton trip~~
~~Take at least one photo~~
~~Purge shoe closet~~
Take photos to sell vintage shoes
Sort through old brain dump
~~Send out invoices~~
Look for inspiration for Saturday shoot
~~Update work schedule~~
Organize and send out receipts
Practice skating routine with music
~~Confirm Ottawa trip~~
~~Order shoes/boots~~
Put instagram presets onto Desktop
~~Listen to a lot of KEXP~~
~~Email landlord about apartment issues~~

did i mention that most, if not all, of this has to be done by 6pm? Yep. Don't worry, i've had my double shot cap from Ella's Uncle, and my early morning kisses and i love you's. Those are important for such a big day.

I'll keep you posted!
XO!F

I am thankful for Kevin Costner

2011-10-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

it's true.
Can you believe it's October already? October may be my favorite month. Home to my favorite family holiday and to pumpkins and to horror movies and to brisk evenings and sunny days. it's perfect! and how bout those leaves?

dear you...
i cannot wait to jump in piles of leaves with you. or make preserves. or wild apple pick (again). or have adventures with rocks. or start on soups and hibernation.
love,
me.

lost little lamb.

2011-09-12T12:25:00.000-07:00

i may have written this here before. it's possible. i wrote this ages ago on a small piece of paper with equally small writing. i tend to do that. write and write and write and hide it away for another day without realizing it. today is another day and it's a perfect day for this. I have so many patterns and repeats. feelings and thoughts and ruts and funks that whisper sweet nothings into my fragile little ears on days i need hugs.

i am feeling how i was feeling so many days ago. and perhaps for the very same reason....

sometimes i don't have time to sort through my thoughts in a productive manner. i take everything in and throw it to the back to deal with later. piles of clothes and thoughts and tasks. my closet is full and piled high.
but now i can't find any of them even though i know they're there. time to organize my bookshelf and dust off my belongings.
otherwise i'll sit here in panic. 'i've forgotten something, but i don't know what'.

i'm in a rut and i'm not sure why.
i want to talk with you. share all of this. but when we sit together, i freeze. lost words with lost art. i know you can see it, feel it. you are losing me... but only because i am losing me. i am lost.
i wish i had your inner compass.
i'll find my way back, i promise. i'll learn to navigate the stars.

is this sad?

2011-09-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

I have very little free time these days, and i'm terribly disorganized so nothing is really getting done. i hate that. i need to fix that. but... in the meantime... what little free time i DO have, i find that all i really want to do is cross-stitch. yep. i've fallen back into hand crafting. i have some neat ideas and i kinda hope i can keep up with this. It's an easy one to do in front of a movie with a cocktail in front of you, or while out for coffee with a friend who also likes to hand craft. i need more of those.
Hey friends, think you could pick up knitting so we can hang out more often? because all i really want to do is my cross-stitch.

i must be gettin' old

2011-08-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

i have been living in Toronto for almost 9 years now. I have had 4 apartments. I lived in a condo for the first 5 years, had my own cute little apartment for almost 2 years, ran off to NYC for a short time, came back to Toronto and got a place in Liberty Village with a friend for a very short lease and I've been at this new place ever since. 9 years. Each place has been mine, had my stuff in it, smelt like me, even had my art up on the walls, but none of them have ever felt like home. They're comforting in their familiarity, but they've never been home. It's like living in transitioncity ALL the time. I was really hoping this apartment would be home, it was really looking like it might be, but one month in and some major hiccups with an unpleasant roommate made me turtle back up and be comfortable in just being comfortable, not home. It's a great place. Big windows, hardwood floors, two floors, original detailing, a decent sized kitchen. I even have two amazing roommates whom I adore now. It's still just not home. I could put effort into making it home, I should, but something always holds me back. It's nice, it'll do, but it's just a stepping stone to the next, i feel. It never really bothered me. Until recently...
I was housesitting for my sister and I started to feel at home. It was such a nice feeling to be around a place that really felt like a home. It gave me itchy feet. I must be gettin' old....

this just in....

2011-08-24T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm going to give myself a break.
sometimes i don't frequent this spot because i don't touch my computer, but most of the time i don't post something because i'm almost a little ashamed of only having iphone photos to post. not that i'm not shooting... i am. every day. most of my shooting has been for jobs though and i'd rather keep those on the business blog. I'm also terribly behind on my editing and my archiving polaroids. Now that the weather is cooperating a little and my room isn't a sauna, maybe that will change. maybe it won't. buuuuuuuuuuuut! i've decided to stop beating myself up. a blog is whatever i want it to be, right? and sometimes it may just be little photos from my iphone of the things i love and have around me everyday. and sometimes it may be test shots for a piece i'm working on. and sometimes... you know.

so here's a few photos i took while rewarding myself for an awesome couple months of photography work.
xo.f

hello wednesday

2011-08-24T10:52:00.000-07:00

I'm back from vacation and trying desperately to get back on track. My vacation was really only a week and a half long, but it feels like I put all the regular duties and chores of everyday life on hold when I swapped out my 9-5 for a flexible schedule.
Do you ever feel like you're constantly playing catchup? It's annoying isn't it? It's definitely not something I love. I also really do not love balancing the cheque book, or paying bills, or calling to cancel services and getting stuck on the phone with the operator telling you why you're an idiot for wanting to cancel their services, or having a tummy ache, or an unhappy bladder, or early morning roofers, or laundry, or cleaning house and home, or going in for an unpaid training day on my day off. Need I go on?
it's funny... that list is pretty long and it could be so much longer. today is a day of catching up on all kinds of things i dislike with a vengeance, and yet... i'm smiling. why? because i cannot get some of the things i DO love out of my head. like............

1. a canoe on a fit. i laughed at the thought of it, but it works quite well and looks so good on it. they compliment each other. Joel took me on my very first overnight canoe trip.
2. this guy. this man o mine. he's swoontastic.
3. rain. hard rain.
4. i've started cross stitching again. i have so many ideas.
5. this is the beach i grew up going to. this is looking from the road to the island. at low tide you can walk out to the island, at high tide... fat chance.
6. beach combing for little treasures for my little treasures back at home, Joel and Debra.
7. fresh, wild blueberries hand picked by me
8. my very best hat for my very favorite type of adventure... camera + outdoors + no time restrictions
9. oh canada!
10. really big fluffy clouds
11. kisses. lots and lots and lots of kisses. sometimes they're just air kisses to send to my man while i'm/he's away. but kisses just the same.
12. fresh ontario fruit
13. sister time
14. ice cream. i loves it.
15. beaches and seaweed and repetitive natural lines.
16. this guy. this plaid wearing, fishing, canoeing, rock climbing, cooking, fire making, manly man o mine.

these are some of the things i love.

WBM - part II

2011-08-04T17:10:00.000-07:00

What Boyfriend Made

Strawberry and Basil Jam

We went strawberry picking after a short camping trip. We picked so many beautiful, teeny tiny strawberries. (ok, mine were teeny tiny, his were just small) We ate so many while were picking. one for the basket, one for my mouth. om nom nom. A few days later Joel whipped up a strawberry and basil jam using the basil from his garden. good golly gosh is it ever delicious. So much so that I just wrote Good Golly Gosh.

also... isn't boyfriend handsome? mmmmhmmm. i think so too.

ps. i have some great shots from this weekend on my canon which will be edited and uploaded eventually too. a short little strawberry story. for now iphone will suffice.

oh how i miss my blog

2011-07-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

Dear blog, blogs & bloggers,

I miss you. I do.
I am terribly fond of my new life without a computer in front of my face for 8 hours everyday. I am infatuated with photography and the cafe and early days spent on the beach or in the park. I adore the crafting and the cooking and the baking and the strawberry picking.
but! i miss the blogs and i miss my blog and i miss my bloggers.
i will find a balance soon, i hope.

in the meantime... here is an image from the bloor festival this past weekend. There are lots more on the website and on my company blog.

I miss you!
xoxox.f

oh my eff it's hot...

2011-07-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start a lil something new to add to this blog.
I thought it up quite a while ago but wasn't 100% sure I wanted to run with it. After mulling it over and spending some time in the kitchen with this handsome man i know I decided it should happen. It may not be a weekly thing because our schedules are wacky, but if i had it my way it would be a very regular bit on this blog. (mostly because i love eating everything this man cooks so bloody much)

This'll just be a lil taste (ha! get it?)
I still haven't told him I'm planning on doing this. [insert smirk here]
I think I'm going to call this....

What Boyfriend Made

Green & Fruity Iced Tea with my leftovers.
(i have a bad tendency of not finishing my drinks)

cleaning for nerds

2011-07-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

I have to admit something. Actually... I'm going to hazard a guess that a handful of somethings will come out in this post. Little tidbits a lot of people don't usually know about me.
I am obsessed with organization. like obsessed. It's taken me a long time to be ok with having my clothes in the closet without having everything organized by type and then color or size. Yep. that's me... a little ocd? I've finally let myself be ok with just having things organized by type. In my perfect world everything has a place and everything should be in its place. Mise en place. Being able to find anything you need in a split second? that sounds perfect. No more last minute panic when you can't find your __________. The problem with this is that i ALSO have the 'if you can't do it right, don't do it' mentality when it comes to cleaning. What that means for this little busy bee is that whenever there's a deadline or a ton of social engagements or a trip or ___________, my place becomes a disaster! I used to love that. It was so satisfying to finish up a project, send it off and then clean everything. Double whammy of satisfaction. I think i still love that to a certain extent, but this time around there was just too much time between making the mess and cleaning it up. It was overwhelmingly bad. I guess it also didn't help that I came back from vacation and had 102 emails to deal with and a boat load of photography jobs to run through. I still have a bunch. OVERWHELMED! hug me???

anyway... the boyfriend started teasing me about the state of my room. That's when you know it's bad. like real bad. i was terribly embarrassed but too overwhelmed and exhausted to get to it. I had once told boyfriend that when i clean my room i spend about twice the amount of time on dancing as i do on cleaning. He said he wanted to see it, but as much as i love him i was a little nervous for him to see that. no one sees me dancing like this. He suggested I do a video of it or a time lapse photography video. I didn't see how i could do it without an intevelometer and had no interest in spending $150 on one, but yesterday as the mess was threatening to eat me alive I thought I'd give it a little research and see if i could do it without one. A little research, some software procuring, some major trouble shooting and a lot of frustration later......

The other awesome thing about having a camera watching your every movement while you're cleaning? You don't take nearly as many breaks or give up. Well, I didn't. I was pretty honest with it. I took a break to go to the farmers market with Vince while my camera battery charged and I took a couple bathroom breaks. I think I paused the camera only twice and only deleted maybe 20 frames. Honesty! what's that?

there you have it.... i'm an organized mess.

xo.f

too tired to speak

2011-06-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

I will have more to say soon.
i promise.
right now i am just too tired to speak.
my plan was to finish work and race home to sort through emails and photos and kick the shit out of my bedroom. instead... i sat at the bar for an hour and chatted with Owen about bicycles. I am learning... slowly. i am just... too tired for words. and yet... i'm writing. a lot.

this is the reason i hate vacations... you get home and you're exhausted and just want to sleep but the world has gone on without you and now you have to play catchup while really just wanting to be in bed. and boy! do i want to be in bed. next week! next week i will have a day to myself.
i hope.

here's part of the reason i'm so tired. if you have me on instagram or facebook i do apologize for the repeats.
my babe of a boyfriend and i went to manhattan for the bouldering championships. i know next to nothing about rock climbing, but joel is quite the climber and it just happened to be organized by one of my very oldest and dearest friends. we got ourselves a b & b close to the park and hung out with my beautiful new yorkers for the weekend. It was quite the adventure. We got lost in Brooklyn in a bit of a scary neighbourhood, walked until our feet fell off, ate a delicious home cooked meal in Queens, got kicked out of a dive bar in Manhattan (and not for the reasons you'd imagine), napped in central park, watched the most historic pride parade in New York history (gay marriage was legalized two days before), and of course watched the championships. It was pretty impressive... even for this newbie who's only climbed once in her life.

1. Bouldering Championships in central park
2. freedom tower
3. New York architecture owns my heart
4. i love repetitious lines and textures
5. walking across Brooklyn bridge. my tattoo is very accurate.
6. Brooklyn bridge
7. Brooklyn tourism (isn't he handsome?)
8. Sunday brunch at Peels New York. I highly recommend it.
9. Pete & Jason enjoying some artisan ice cream
10. it's hard not to stare up while walking down the streets of New York. I feel so small in such an exciting childlike way.

i did it!

2011-06-20T14:42:00.000-07:00

I quit my job! you knew that... but did you know that it's monday and i'm not in the office!? yesssss! my office includes a very large window, bare feet, fresh air, wine and photo editing. jeeeeez. why did it take me so long to quit the 9-5?

did you know that it's a full time job trying to catch up with months of internet and editing neglect!? holy smokes! not to mention it's been a month since i last did laundry or went grocery shopping. my roommates are going to love me once i finally manage to pitch in with some of the regular chores beyond bathroom scrubbing. hopefully the homemade mustard and hot sauce will win their love in the meantime.

for your viewing pleasure... or purely my entertainment...
(my last day at the office. chris helps me shake it off)

coming soon.... PHOTOS! yes! PHOTOS!
now i must away to the island. i'm an hour or so late and that beautiful sunshine should not kept waiting any longer.

news alert!

2011-06-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

this is a photograph of my resignation letter.
it's time i move on to things that are a far better fit for me and my interests. like... oh i don't know... photography?
no more 8 hours in front of a computer screen unless it's editing beautiful photos.

here is a list of things i'm looking forward to:
1. photo adventures solo and with Rob
2. camping mid-week with my boyfriend
3. sunshine!!!!!!
4. making things... clothes, photos, mobiles, jewelry.
5. collaborating with my bestie, Debra.
6. finding interesting (and free/cheap) ways to spend my time. (like terrible frisbee throwing with an equally terrible partner, or biking to the island, or reading aloud in the park, or bad movie nights at my place)
7. meeting new people
8. brushing up on my social skills
9. picnics in the park
10. building an empire.

i can't believe it took me this long, to be honest.
but.... no time like the present.
I'm full of excitement/nerves!
I loved having a quitting dance with you this morning.

i spoke to a lot of people about this before i made my decision. Most people were encouraging, but three in particular really gave me the courage to jump and realize that no matter what I'd land on my feet. I hope all of you are lucky enough to have at least one person in your life like this. I'm so blessed to have three, and I love them so fiercely. So thank you my dance partner, far away friend and my own personal model. I'll make you art to thank you. Now that i have the time, it may even be good and not soulless.

Win an iPad 2 on Design for Mankind! (or keep your fingers crossed for me to win)

2011-05-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not usually one to post something from another blog, but I do adore Erin Loechner and who wouldn't want a chance to win a fancy new iPad2?
so...
I’m posting this to enter a contest offered by MeridaHome at Design For Mankind! I want to win the iPad 2! (and I love Erin’s shoes!)

and yes... I do love Erin's shoes...

Photo: Design for Mankind - MYkind

i miss you

2011-05-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

I am on a very strict diet right now. An elimination diet to figure out which foods I'm allergic or sensitive too. Sounds like a ton of fun, doesn't it? The good news is that it's way easier than some of the ones I've done before. A diet that requires me to avoid fruit is a diet I am going to fail. I can stubbornly push through it for a few weeks, maybe even a month, but eventually I will see an apple and I won't be able to help myself. I find that I am craving things I don't usually crave. All of a sudden these things I wouldn't normally enjoy are all i can think about because I'm not allowed to have them. I want this part of the diet to pass. It always does.
Stupid cleanses/diets. I knew I hated you for a reason.

1. Dad's birthday bbq. Homemade patties and bbq chicken
2. the birthday spread.
3. date night. My man is an incredible cook, and yes I know how very lucky I am.
4. dear eggs, I miss you the most.

i lost my glasses... again

2011-05-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

i cannot contain my excitement.
i'm bursting just a little. or maybe more.
i feel a little silly. it's only been a few days but...

i've missed you.

you are killing me

2011-04-28T13:47:00.000-07:00

i was not meant to sit for 8 hours a day everyday. everyday. everyday. everyday. everyday.
it is killing me.
that and these damn allergies.
and all of these beautiful blogs full of beautiful photographs and beautiful words by beautiful people.
did i mention beautiful?
you're beautiful.

ugggggggggggh! i'm a robot. i'm a plastic bird. and i'm tap tap tapping my way toward discomfort.

c'mon 5 o'clock. i know you can do it. i'm not so sure i can, though.

something missing

2011-04-28T11:08:00.001-07:00

corner garden, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i am reading
old words with new eyes.

i want to take off. take off into the something or other place that doesn't really exist or may not exist or may be too far away to tell. i want to take you with me. take you far far away from the hustle and bustle of our responsibilities and obligations and drone. i want to take your picture. want to let you see you through my eyes. but i'm nervous my eyes will disappoint you. they can be a little blurry sometimes. but i want to try. i will try and try and try until i don't have to try anymore. i want to belly laugh with you til the sun comes up, swing higher than you only sometimes and pretend we're toll booth operators.

can you teach me something?

sometimes the words
they're just words.
and sometimes there's an oops thrown in there.
but they're still just words.
oops is a word. and a sound. and it often falls from my lips.

i do too.
i am too.

lackluster lacklegs

2011-04-23T00:30:00.001-07:00

stuck in endless preliminaries - untitled 1, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i've been shooting a lot lately. moreso than usual. well... usual as of late. late. lately. ugh.
anyway... my 5d has been out and about with me. we've been adventuring. today we tried to shoot. a walkabout to get the juices flowing. (yes, i found a way to use your new least favorite word. ha!) but after 100s of photos, i feel like my photos are lacking. lackluster is the best way to put them, really. they're just... meh.
i want more film. and i want more grain. and i want more people. and i want more interesting landscapes. and i want more b&w.
i daydream about a car and camera equipment and you. nature and us and polaroid. i will, of course, need to get over my fear of photographing you.
run away with me? please.

sometimes i just don't feel like i have anything to contribute. anything to say.

i miss being an artist.

Artists Wanted - Power of Self

2011-04-19T07:47:00.001-07:00

stuck in endless preliminaries - untitled 2, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

I have been bursting at the seams for quite some time. Whisps of ideas wanted out. I wanted time to dissect them, challenge their meanings and form them inwardly before I'd allow them a body. A direct result of being an art student is mistrust of your instincts. Or at least, that's what I've found.
Well... the whisps won. I let them out to play last week and I feel like I can breathe again.
Hello art.

I've submitted this work-in-progress to the Artists Wanted - Power of Self competition.
Vote for me?
VOTE FOR ME HERE

tippie toes

2011-04-02T08:12:00.001-07:00

tippie toes, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

sometimes i find it difficult to be your daughter and an artist.
i wish i could separate the two.
minor surgery.
only temporary.

i could be two people. dancing around each other. tippie toes and swirls.
i could keep you busy with conversation while my artist takes her portrait. in your house. in your mirror. naked. nude.
they'd be accomplices.

i could be your little girl and an adult.

sometimes i find it difficult to be your daughter and an artist.
and sometimes i wish i didn't have to separate.

side note

2011-03-31T20:57:00.000-07:00

side note. side project. side.side.side.
my side is in stitches. i'd rather be cross stitching you stags and does.

so... i've been playing around with a side project for about a year. we've tried a bunch of different forms of this collaboration and i think we now have one that will stick. one that we're happy with.
so here it is... sorta. starting...
a collect call.

also... you get to see me all awkward in front of a video camera. that seems to be happening a lot lately. check out my super awkward canada moment. :|

xo.f

i give up, i give in

2011-03-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

iphone. you win.
film costs are kicking my ass and my computer is no longer attached to the internet. Great for production, not so great for sharing. So, while i'm in the process of getting my computer back into webland, and setting up my place to do film developing (ieee! excitement), my iphone photos are going to have to do. It's far better than just dropping off the face of the earth. At least, that's my belief.

1. a balanced breakfast now includes Portia di Rossi on my ipad.
2. an awkward photo of me while baking cookies.
3. i'm so spoiled/lucky these days. you are amazing and you make great soup.
4. my fingers are shrinking and my hands are so small.
5. i'm spending a lot of time on set these days. stoked!
6. weekend at my parents may include piano, photos and pieorgies. alliterative weekend.
7. i know you...
8. i am full of hearts for my new purse.

a lot of sometimes.

2011-03-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

i am not a very open person.
correction. i am an open person in my very own way. normally this can be quite a problem. people get frustrated and think of me as secretive. i think of me as safe.
the funny part? you are just as frustrating as i am. and i like it. i like that you are similar to me in that way. i like a lot about you. i like that you don't snore. especially not in my ear.

sometimes i don't know how to open up. sometimes i just don't want to. and sometimes. sometimes i lack the words.
word strings are not my forte.
and the busier things are, the less they come.
and things, they are busy.

once upon a time i had an ongoing dialogue with a handsome man from jersey. it was silly and occasionally nonsensical, but it was delightful. until... the words just stopped. they just disappeared. my brain was a blank everytime i opened an email. i think in images and fragments. and sometimes fragmented images. i always wanted to continue the dialogue visually... but never did. and so we slowly slipped into silence with only the occasional hello, how are ya?
i have slipped into silence here for much the same reason. i've been busy and my words have been stolen. i wish i could say he was a thief. he stole my heart and my cat. maybe.

so today... i try a visual hello, how are ya?

my grandmother played The Butterfly for us at her home recital. i <3 my grandmother so much. She calls me everytime she has some of the tea I bought her for Christmas.

I couldn't wait any longer. I cut my bangs again. Still uncertain about them.

I spent a morning at the hospital having an Upper GI test. Bloody weird experience. I do not recommend the barium

A couple weekends ago I helped out on set for my brother-in-modern-law's short film. I was only behind the camera for one scene. But I think this means I may have an IMDB link.

Sleeping on set in between takes.

It may have been James' first short, but it better not be his last. He really impressed the heck out of me and everyone else on set.

The result of my first curling experience. it was much bigger than this

Dinner at Sarah's

Cracking champagne to celebrate some big hurdles for Sarah & James.

Heading to Atlanta this weekend to shoot some golf promos. crunch time to learn new equipement

You gave me the world's most frustrating puzzle. But eventually I'm going to kick its ass.

Spring cleaning has commenced

sometimes i'm still nervous to take your photo

i want to take my face off

2011-03-10T12:55:00.000-08:00

my skin off.
my clothes and my fingernails and all of my hair.
i want it all off.
i want to take my shoes off.
my socks. i want my socks off.
i will sit so naked in front of you.

i'm having a day. an evening that bled into a day.
did i hide it well?
foot taps and forehead rubs and hair tugs.
and not your hair.

i keep catching myself at my desk. my fingers pressed into my eyebrows.
i look like one of those actors for headache medicine.
migraine?
lifegraine.
ugh.
i feel so blarg.
is blarg an emotion? can it be?

being on set for an hour was a pickmeup. i needed that. i need that.
i miss sets and art directing and shooting and being creative day after day after day after day.
office jobs aren't so bad when you're playing with colors and crops and composition.

the screams are scratching at my belly.
and this time it's not the ulcer.
oh the ulcer. should i name you? and what if you don't really exist? do phantom ulcers get names? ghost babies don't. not yet.
more tests. lots of tests. so many tests. i'm sick of doctors offices.
mail is great except when it's from a hospital.
did i tell you i'm a little scared? because i kinda sorta maybe am a little.

ugh.
can today be over?
can today be set decorating and birthday pie and friends and beer and music and cameras... and then be over?
i'll be better once i escape.
once i sleep.
once i sit naked in front of you.

happy march

2011-03-01T14:27:00.000-08:00

happy march!

last night I couldn't sleep. so i went outside to play on the swings. while i was out there I noticed a dog and his owner playing in the baseball diamond. I watched them as I swung but didn't say anything. That's what you do in the city, right? not so. the gentleman came over to say hello. he sat and we talked for a while. he's a musician and a bartender and a show promoter. and his hours are as crazy as mine used to be. ahh, kindred spirit. his dog jumped up on me and i played with him for a while. We exchanged names and he's invited me to his show in a couple of weeks. guest list. what up! and that is how you meet your neighbours. and i thought i'd have to wait til spring.
i'd forgotten just how much i love swinging on that swing set.

also... apparently 28 is the year you officially become a grandma without ever having a child ripped from your loins. I am currently doing a giant jigsaw puzzle some cute boy gave me for my birthday, knitting, drinking tea and avoiding spicy foods.
round two of ulcer testing has begun, round three begins next week. Aren't i a little young for an ulcer?

ps. you make me smile.

birthday girl

2011-02-28T09:08:00.001-08:00

birthday girl, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

I am officially 28 on the 28th! Champagne for everyone!

I've been so full of birthday blues. but last night I took it easy and made some art, and cleaned, and started work on my new puzzle (xo), and i finally got some good solo time. I think i needed that. To make things even better I got to sleep in this morning (well, after a 7:30am birthday singing call. ha!) and then I got a chance to do some shooting. Gosh. my polaroid and me need to rekindle our love affair. we've been taking a break, but i miss her so. it felt so good to say hello this morning.

now I'm going to go put on that beautiful Silk blouse I bought the other day and head to work.

xxoxo.
happy day!

numero one.

2011-02-27T21:20:00.000-08:00

i made it. phew! i wasn't sure i was going to be able to drag myself away from that massive puzzle in time to get this post up.

puzzles are so fantastic, except i usually get a little obsessed and forget the rest of the world exists. you exist, right?

so here i am... just in time!

also... was it just me, or were the oscars dull tonight?

Number one is special to me for ohso many reasons. I've touched on him a few times on this thing and definitely mentioned him to anyone who knows me from Jane.

1. Namesake

My grandfather was named after his father, who died from mustard gas poisoning before my grandfather got a chance to meet him. He was raised by his mother, uncle and two aunts. To know my grandfather was to love him. He was a gentleman and a genuinely warm and loving man. He had a great sense of humour, and a gift with words. He could spin the most incredible stories, or tell joke after joke, often causing my grandmother to say "fraaaaaaaaaaaank!" in a disapproving fashion. Now she's the one telling off-color jokes using words like "shit" (oh my!)

I could probably write forever about him. I'm so full of wonderful memories and occasionally his laughter. I admired and loved him, and was always a little nervous to disappoint him. Though, truth be told, I'm not sure any of us grandkids ever could.

So here's the man I was named for.

Francis Alexander Daley.

xoxoxx.

two twins

2011-02-26T16:41:00.000-08:00

I have two twins.
yep. two.

1. Travis. (the evil one)
he's my cousin and he was born a mere 19 days after me. We've been like two little peas ever since. He now lives far too far away (Nunavut). I've always called him the evil twin, and he does the same with me.
but who are you going to believe?

2. Norman (the birthday)

we share a birthday. we also share a love of photography, polaroid and toronto. he's a far more talented fashion photographer. This photo was taken by Katie Davis. not me. sadly. isn't it great?

three is for family

2011-02-26T16:38:00.000-08:00

Number three...
oy. i should get dressed first. hosting guests in your pjs isn't always the best idea.

ok. dressed and ready! huzzah!
we are not the type of family who go out and get family portraits. oh gosh.... it happens ohsorarely! i think i can count all of them on one hand. sometimes we do them, but just a little differently.

1. Daley Family
this is one we took with my mom's entire family (at the time) we're missing my Uncle Nino, Uncle Rob and Simon. (and now we'd also be missing Vince and Gregory and James and Phil. dear gosh! so many additions!)
I'm in red and blue.

2. Beatty Family

This was my mom's christmas present in 2006. I did studio portraits of the family. this was an outtake and i love it.

3. Beatty Family Polaroid

This is usually how our family portraits look. something random and spontaneous taken by me, without me in it. This was taken on the day Dani graduated from University. Suma! yep. she's a smartie pants and we're all very proud.

4 times over

2011-02-26T16:23:00.000-08:00

ugh. late on these. health reasons. blarg!
happy birthday to me!

I like the number four. A lot. It always seems to come up. once upon a time i did an awful art piece entitled "frances 4 times over". it was a mandatory self-portrait highschool thing. it was awful. just awful. this will not be that, but it will be just as vain.
i hate having my picture taken. hate it! i like having the camera in front of my face, not in it. but occasionally someone catches me and sometimes they do a wicked job and i don't cringe.
here are four photos of me taken by other people that i don't hate. ok. i kinda like them. true story.

1. Pinup Calendar
Matt Pereira shot all of the photos for the pinup calendar we did in our final year. You can't really go wrong with a professional stylist and photographer. I was January.

2. Skating

This is me and Krystal at a competition. Part of the Georgian Ice-ations synchro team. we were pretty good. I think Stacey took this.

3. Attacked by Tek

Taken by Kenzo at Rob's birthday party. I swear Tek isn't really attacking me. except maybe with "you're going to die alone"

4. At Lee's Palace

I think we were seeing Ratatat. I know you can't tell, but I'm laughing. not crying. This was either taken by Christina Hale or Matt Pereira.

5 golden things

2011-02-23T21:34:00.000-08:00

I am just starting to love and appreciate yellow gold.
I'm still a silver or white gold lover first and foremost. Heck, i even like rose gold. but the yellow gold... enh. it has to be a small piece or a vintage piece, really.

I have absolutely no interest in showing off any gold, or gold plated items i may or may not own. so here are some lovely etsy items you could always buy me for my birthday. (and by that i really mean... you could buy for yourself and I could live vicariously through you)

1. Gold vintage framed boy

2. Gold fox pin

3. Gold vintage nautical locket

4. Gold Vintage Rose Necklace

5. Gold Edwardian Pin

apparently i have my heart set on accessories this year.

I may or may not have purchased a vintage silk champagne (or gold?) colored blouse today. It may or may not have a deco feel to it, and i may or may not wear it to my birthday dinner on Monday night.
If it does exist and it is in my possession and i am wearing it on Monday night to the Boulevard Cafe, i will probably wear my wish bone with it.

jump into the tv

2011-02-23T21:12:00.000-08:00

6 sat on my computer and watched as i lost track of time and forgot to post it. oops! i'm so tired these days, but definitely not able to sleep.
I'm not too thrilled with Toronto these days. Maybe it's the winter. There are a handful of awesome things, of course, but sometimes I catch myself day dreaming about far off lands. or not so far off lands. like NYC or Halifax.
this leads me to number 6....
Movies I'd love to live in... or just dive into for a couple of hours.
I really just went with the first six that came to mind. Trust your instincts, right?

1. Amelie
Besides it being my all time favorite movie, and her being the most adorable character ever made, the colors are spectacular and i'm going to pretend that the world actually existed like this while they filmed. Or that by jumping into my tv the colors will stay the same. (Montmartre was not really this lush or green when I went to visit) it appeals to the romantic whimsical girl in me. Also, who wouldn't want a table lamp that looked like that.

2. Jeux D'Enfants
For many of the same reasons as Amelie, actually. Colors, whimsy, romance. France! I really do love French films.

3. Mary & Max
Yes, i know it's animated. but this is a fantasy and it's mine. Again with the color! and by color i really mean red. they chose well. This quirky and beautiful film pulled at my heart strings and I couldn't help wanting to hug both Mary & Max. mostly Max. I must also admit that i have dreamt of having a bath like this soo many times. overflowing with bubbles!

4. Oscar And Lucinda
It's a period piece and the setting is just stunning. Plus this scene with the glass church caught my breath. Can you imagine sitting in the centre of a glass building as it glides down a river? I can. Also, fiery red Cate Blanchett and Ralph Fiennes and card games and gambling. that'd make for a good night

5. The Fall
Another favorite. This, too, is about colors and drama/romance. Every setting makes me want to pack my bags and hop on a plane with a camera or two. The costuming was dramatic and perfect. Need I mention Lee Pace and his perfection? I'm a sucker for that actor. (if i were to mention any tv shows it would be Pushing Daisies. for the whimsy, and the colors and her vintage dresses and Lee Pace. oh, and maybe the pies) And that little girl. I would love to sit around and tell stories with her.

6. True Grit
Now I could very well have chosen a good number of other westerns I love, but this one is fresh in my mind, having seen it only a few weeks ago. The shots were beautiful. I also nearly lost my shit when Barry Pepper hopped onto the back of a horse and then when the rider was shot he just let the body drop and took over the reigns. I'd love to have been present for that. my jaw would have been in the dirt.

days of the feet

2011-02-21T19:19:00.000-08:00

ugh. today was one of the few days i had planned out. unfortunately i realized part way through ripping apart my studio that i do not have the majority of the photos i need here. they are either in storage or in my bedroom in the country. FRUSTRATING!
what i was going to do was have an image of my feet from each country I've been to. there are seven. i have a tendency of taking pictures of my feet wherever i go. it's a weird habit. it makes me feel slightly more comfortable than taking a straight out self-portrait and that's the only way i get a photo of myself when i'm travelling usually. Sucks to be the photographer of the family/friend group sometimes.
so... this is as close as i could get. i was going to just use arty or polaroid photos but nixed that pretty quickly. this is closer to what i originally intended.

xo.
Happy Family Day!

In Marbella, Spain

first day at Columbia University. dorm carpets.

Hamptons

Toronto Life

Florida with Andrew

Nova Scotia

Prime Gallery. Jen is below

we need more plaid

2011-02-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

day 8.
ottawa.ottawa.ottawa.
conversation this morning revolved around plaid and our absolute love of it from a young age. I'm still sad about giving up a couple of plaid shirts from high school. I still need to replace them sometime soon. Sarah is convinced that one day hipsters will tire of the pattern and let us have it again. I'm not so sure, but i refuse to give up on it.
A handful of minutes later we found ourselves in an adorable basement restaurant for brunch with our uncle. Surrounding us was plaid, but no hipsters. It gave us a chuckle. It also gave Phil and me an excuse to fist bump/explode because we were wearing the Manx uniform.

my toes are still numb from our snow walk to check out the ice sculptures. Apparently we managed to organize our trip for Winterlude this year. success? unfortunately I thought it was a brilliant idea to forget my winter boots at work and only wear my keds. Ottawa isn't cold in winter, right?

time for hot cocoa and super bad movies. if you're looking for something super terrible and non-sensical... get Future War. there's lots of plaid.

sisters 3(x3)

2011-02-20T08:58:00.000-08:00

computer failure last night.
so i'm trying this again before the perfect sunday begins. (read.... brunch, drives, family, vintage, browsing, and music) maybe that's what today's 8 will be about.

anyway...
#9 brought to you in part by a sister trip to ottawa. (i'm relying entirely on my iPhone photos, as i decided to leave my computer in Toronto for the weekend. it's nice to have a break)

Sarah just joined the weak eyes club.

middle child

Danielle is quite the baker

James & Sarah on her 30th

Danielle and Phil yesterday

we're not very good at taking serious sister portraits

thinking face?

tens and tens

2011-02-18T23:34:00.000-08:00

canon 5d

Hasselblad with polaroid back

SX-70 / Brownie Cresta

Polaroid 450 with fuji film

iphone (i know. i know) / Diana

Pinhole Polaroid / Brownie No2

Olympus OM1. my very first slr.

on the eleventh day...

2011-02-17T22:05:00.000-08:00

I swear one of these is just going to end up being a list of items that have absolutely nothing to do with me. I feel strange coming up with things about me, but I've been told it's a good little exercise.
I'm running to the library in a second or two. Work is not agreeing with me today. I'm on a particularly difficult station and it's frustrating the heck out of me. A library is a nice cool off, dontcha think? I think there's a book waiting there for me.

anyway....

11 things you probably don't know about me:

1. I hate having my feet on the ground.
I'm not afraid of heights, though i am terrified of falling. (same thing, right?) If I had my way my feet would be firmly planted on the ground as little as possible. I don't even like having my feet on the ground when i sit on a chair. So I guess the aerials class I've started taking is perfect for me. Yesterday was my second day on the hoop and they were much higher up than they were last week. It was also the first time I was doing any sort of trick without my instructor being right there to support me. I definitely had a couple of "oh gosh. it'll hurt so much when i fall on my head" moments. but i did it:

2. i have so much white hair.
like so much. and they all seem to be popping up in the same general area. My dreams of being Rogue may come true.

3. I am terrified of needles.

which leads me to....

4. I regret at least 5/7 of my tattoos some of the time.
they're all terribly meaningful, and i definitely go through moments of loving them like crazy. but if i could laser off 5 of them, i think i probably would. I'd probably only keep my sister tattoo and my heart. Give it a year and i'd probably only keep my sister tattoo.

this is not one i regret

5. I love skydiving.
a lot. I love skydiving and i love photography and i love film. so what would be better than putting it all together and making a career out of it? i definitely looked into getting my skydiving license the year I dropped out of school. I wanted to get a job as a videographer and just jump all day. i'd probably go barefoot like our videographer did. buuuuut.... in the end I went back to school to finish my degree.

6. I'm a big suck for weddings.
I guess it's a good thing I shoot them, right? Truth is I'm not even sure I want to get married, but i find them so delightful and i'm such a suck for them. oh hell, i'm just a suck period. anything remotely thoughtful and romantic and my heart just becomes all melty.

At a friends wedding in Halifax. i thought i'd spare you a sappy photo.

7. I hate chewing gum.
i think it's revolting. i hate other people chewing it. i hate chewing it. i hate the smell of it. i hate it on the ground. i hate it under chairs or tables.
i guess i got more than my name from my grandfather. he felt the same. huh. i hadn't thought of that before.

8. I love reading aloud.
When i lived in New York i was dating this truly lovely american from my program. what little time we had off from the program we liked to spend reading to each other. Complete with silly voices for different characters. my absolute favorite memory from that summer is our afternoon in central park. we crossed wires with our friends and ended up not meeting up with them. so we had the picnic we'd packed all to ourselves. we spread everything out and had this fabulous picnic and read to each other. it was a gorgeous warm, sunny day. rather cool for New York July standards, but i wasn't complaining. and then it started pouring raing out of nowhere. instead of running back to the dorms, we hid under this enormous tree. We spread ourselves back out and i continued to read aloud, my feet sprinkled by warm rain while I pulled out the british accents.

9. I think bathtubs are comforting... with or without water.
When i first moved to my bachelor, my cat, Solace, would start to explore and then just disappear. I checked all of the nooks and crannies for her, but it never occured to me to look in the bathroom, as there was nowhere to hide. I was putting a few things away when i noticed a dark patch in behind my shower curtain. When i pulled back the curtain, there was Solace, curled up and looking rather comfortable. She'd been upset by the move so she hadn't been cuddling me for a while. I missed her, so i hopped into the bathtub and spent some time with her. It became a bit of a ritual. I'd come home from work everyday and find her in the bathtub. I'd hop in and we'd spend some quality time together. Once she got used to the space, i'd come home and she'd be out and about but would still run into the bathroom to have our daily cuddles.
gosh, i miss her. and that bathtub! what a fantastically deep bathtub.

me and sol hangin' out in the bathtub

10. I cross my ankles when i sleep.
true story.

11. I have 20/20 vision, but i still require glasses.
it's true. I'm not just one of those people who've decided to take up wearing frames with plain lenses in them for shits and giggles. Nope. i really need these bad boys. They are definitely prescription. of course, that doesn't excuse me getting big, black rims, but i won't apologize for them. i think they're cute.

12 Days of Frances...

2011-02-16T23:22:00.000-08:00

It's 4pm on a Wednesday. I am terribly restless and cannot stop daydreaming about the weekend, and better yet... my birthday! Only 12 more days before I turn 28 on the 28th. It's my champagne year and also just happens to be that horrible age I figured I would have everything sorted out. Why do we do that as kids? Give ourselves some arbitrary dead line.
Well... I don't have everything sorted out. Not even close. Not even a little bit. I have moments of feeling rather dark and broody about that. Wallow.wallow. At this point, I'm not even sure I want all of the things I wanted as a 6 year old kid daydreaming under the clouds, but I still manage to feel like a mini-failure for not living up to that little girls expectations. I'm sorry, sweetie, I tried.
Well, for the next 12 days I'm going to forget all of those dark and broody moments and pull out the silly and the lists. Yep. I'm going for a 12 days of Frances. I'm not entirely sure i've figured out what that means, exactly, but it will definitely include a countdown and lists and photos and silliness.

I'm starting with an easy one. One that doesn't require me to jump up from my seat and scramble for imagery. It's also a perfect time to create this list, as I'm feeling a little creatively stuck. (Blarg!)

So!
12 Artists I swoon over:

1. Imogen Cunningham

Imogen Cunningham won my heart in grade 9. I was painfully shy going into high school and spent a lot of time in the art section of our teeny library. When I discovered Imogen's portraits book I was forever changed. I think that was really the moment that sealed the deal for me on what I wanted to pursue. I continue to go back to her work when in need of inspiration or a little bit of hope.

ps. Isn't she the cutest?

2. Francesca Woodman

The first artist my thesis advisor introduced me to was Francesca Woodman. April had a knack for taking one look at your work and knowing exactly which artists you would relate to. Francesca was my favorite suggestion from her. She stole my heart immediately. I had an instant connection with her work and could relate to it on a level I hadn't found before. (of course, that made me feel a bit funny when I read on and discovered that she killed herself at a young age. I have a bad tendency of relating to artists who commit suicide. I promise that's not my plan) Her imagery was so full of emotion. I always felt that she shot intuitively from the heart.

3. Sarah Moon

One of the few fashion photographers I never tire of. Sarah's work feels soft, dreamy and feminine, yet dark and heavy. Sentence fragments. An ever present pain underneath a layer of beauty. Yet another photographer I adore who utilizes long exposures and feeling rather than thinking.
Gosh, I wish i could break my habit of art thinking. Sometimes it feels like art school buried my intuition.

4. Joel-Peter Witkin

A little on the darker side of things. Have I ever mentioned my fascination with the macabre? Of mourning brooches, and Victorian death portraits, and anything found in the Mütter Museum. I had such an emotional response the first time I saw Joel-Peter Witkin's work. I was sitting in my room with my then boyfriend (was it Andrew? or Zack? I want to say Andrew because I think he liked the work) and I burst into tears. I couldn't take my eyes off the work, but I couldn't stop sobbing either. Fascinated and stuck between finding it breathtakingly beautiful, and extremely disturbing.
I still have a strong emotional response with his work.

5. Karsh

As if I could have a list without Karsh. His celebrity portraits are still some of my all time favorite portraits. Another photographer who led me in the direction I'd still like to travel in. Portraits.portraits.portraits. I think it was his technical superiority and the simplicity of the images. He didn't bog down his subjects with elaborate sets or costuming.
My grandfather had a Karsh book in his library. I think it was the first photo book I ever thumbed through. I would steal away from the family gathering (I'm an introvert, I need stolen moments) and set myself down on the floor with his Karsh book. I must have looked through it a thousand times. He and my grandmother promised me that one day that book would be mine, but he wasn't ready to give it up yet. The Christmas after his death, my grandmother gave me the book. (oh my gosh, i'm crying! eep! wow, i miss him) The binding is shot and it's being held together with elastics she carefully placed around it. I must admit that I'm a little afraid to open it now, but seeing it on my shelf always makes me happy.

I feel like i'm getting a little too long-winded... so i may try to cut back for the next bunch

6. Mapplethorpe

Mapplethorpe was one of the first truly fearless photographers I ever came across in highschool. He was unlike anything I had ever seen. Unapologetically sexual and explicit and technically stunning. I had many a debate about his work being art versus porn.
Besides... he's a polaroid photographer. that's one of my cameras he's holding.
Once upon a time a boy bought me Mapplethorpe's polaroid book right after our first date, then he got nervous that it was too soon to buy me such an expensive and thoughtful gift so he hid it away and forgot where he put it. At least, that's the story he tells me.

7. Avedon

Another fashion photographer I swoon over. What's not to love about his portraits? Plus... that top portrait includes bees. I love bees. This year I'm going to get my dad to teach me how to take care of his bees while he's away. Frances the bee keeper?

Are you seeing a swoon trend?

8. Floria Sigismondi

You would probably recognize Floria Sigismondi from her music videos more than her photographs. Though a lot of her photographic work are stills from her videos. I know her more as a fellow OCADU graduate who creates these elaborate and dark imaginary worlds. I wouldn't mind vacationing in her head a couple times. I think it would be quite an adventure.

9. Nan Goldin

Nan has definitely informed my work. Her work gave me the courage to shoot a couple of my more intimate and honest pieces.

10. Sarah Beatty

I'm afraid these aren't the most recent, nor the best quality depictions of her work, but one of the pieces is an old favorite of mine, and the other was taken at a fairly recent art show of hers. Quality of that image is a result of only having my zumi camera on me. Perhaps I'm biased, but my sister and her work have always inspired me.

11. McKenzie James

As if I needed any more reasons to be head over heels for this boy. Look how talented he is! The very last fashion photographer I'll mention. If you don't know his work, you should check out his blog or his website. Did i ever tell you that I had a five second crush on him when I met him in printmaking?

and finally...

12. Jen Gotch

This one is definitely a recent addition. Well, fairly recent. She's a polaroid photographer who can do no wrong in my eyes. Her images are always dreamy and breathtaking. And to top that all off, she's been ever so kind as to give me advice from time to time.

View more of her work on her blog, website, or flickr page. And don't forget to check out her company Ban.do. I swoon over pretty much everything they put up on their site.

So, there you have it. A bit of a strange mix, I'm sure. But I'm a bit of a strange mix myself.

And now that my circus high has finally subsided a little, I think I'll hit the hay. I've had to turn my heater on for the first time in quite a while and add a handful of pillows to my bed. It's not the same.

goodnight!

xoxo.

Oh Canada

2011-02-15T13:23:00.001-08:00

Oh Canada, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

oy.
today is crummy. i am crummy today.
numerous bits and pieces crushing me. i can only balance so long before i start to topple.
i wonder what year the cn will topple.

i had all but convinced myself that Toronto is what i want. that i am happy and comfortable firmly planting roots.
and then that song came on. that terrible song i'm not even sure i like. and you were dancing. and you were smiling. and you were lovely. and i tried so hard. but i still want it. i want new york again.

my itchy feet don't want to be firm.

or maybe my dukes are up again.
can it be both?

i don't know. i just don't know and it's making me doubtdoubtdoubt.

i have fallen behind on ohso many things.

gosh i'm feeling oh so broody. and not in that have a baby kind of way. oh goodness. no.
silly hormones. can't you just go on vacation for a while?

oh my heart

2011-02-14T07:08:00.001-08:00

maree owns my heart, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i'm a little miss sappy mushy goey heart over here.
Happy Heart Day!

cupcakes and turkish delight and felt and red and pink and cinnamon and sprinkles and garlands. and hearts! hearts! hearts!
I love today.

i like you.
like a lot.

no more coffee

2011-02-04T09:39:00.000-08:00

i am incredibly restless today.
why is the clock moving so slowly!??!?!

ps. i had a couple of posts all written and ready to go on wednesday but bumped into some technical difficulties. i'll try to get those up this weekend maybe after our crafternoon.
i'm really excited to see you.

Happiest

2011-02-02T08:37:00.000-08:00

Today will be a day of a handful of posts, I'm sure.
I almost forgot Groundhog day existed. Does it still mean something?

Today is the birthday of a very dear friend of mine. Someone who lives far too far away for my liking. He taught me about trees and how to wear a bowtie with style. He climbs everything in sight and knows how to scare your hair white while boating.
He even puts up with big cities so he can hang out with me. Don't be fooled by the photo, we're in Central Park. Isn't he lovely?

I know I have said it twice now...
but Happiest of Birthdays to you, my friend.
Would that I could be in Pittsburgh to make you cupcakes and silly dance with you til the sun comes up. (wait. why are you in Pittsburgh?)

We shall meet again on the Ragged Isle of East, to walk on the clouds and sink some ships.

xoxo.

bursting

2011-01-28T12:25:00.001-08:00

West end patio , originally uploaded by eff_dot.

THIS IS MY 200th POST!
should i be excited about this? because i am.

i am burstburstbursting at the seams these days.
it's the art. the art! i say.

there are so many beautiful pictures swirling inside me these days. it's driving me a little batty not being able to extract them. i'm going to rearrange my room to facilitate beautiful picture taking/making. i might even make my bedroom my studio and my studio my bedroom. switcharoo! and you may have inspired me to finally paint it. may have. we shall see. no rocks, though.

i have new images to post.
new images to update the website with. and even more to editeditedit. and there's so much shooting planned.
also... i'm almost ready to dive in to some new series that have been scratching to get out for a while. (this almost makes me sound like an artist. weird) the art is battling the nerves and they've almost won. beat those nerves into submission, art! hit 'em with a chair!

more burstings come in the form of knitted goods and this incredible urge to dance. i cannot stop shaking my booty. i can't sit still.

and then there's you.
no pretending.

it is exactly one month til my champagne birthday. which means i have one month to plan the birthday that doesn't suck, and one month to finish off the last 4 things on my 27 before 28 list. (fully inspired by A Beautiful Mess who was inspired by Hula Seventy).
Luckily, I just got wind of a way to knock one more of them off (art show), i'm doing another one this weekend (purge city) and according to two fabulous emails this week I'll have another one knocked off x2 (collaborations like whoa). That leaves me with one (read x number of books), which i'm pretty sure will be impossible. We shall see. fingers crossed.

as for the rest of it.
well...

stupid photos

2011-01-20T11:09:00.000-08:00

ok. i'm almost ready to laugh about this. almost. almost. almost. ok. nope, not there yet.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
that was a doomed weekend.

one. i was an idiot and forgot my battery charger. it was the first thing i packed after i finished charging all of my batteries, but unfortunately I switched bags last minute and ended up leaving it the original bag. WHAT AN IDIOT! ugh! luckily... it wasn't an issue, but it did cause some loss of sleep. i think i'm going to sew it onto me next time.
two. my sx-70 was having major issues dealing with the cold. I warmed it before shooting with it and used my handydandy cold clip but still ended up with unpredictable and disappointing shots.mind you... i was also using PX-100 FF, so that may explain some of the results as well.
three. the film in my polaroid 450 was all dried up. it was not that old, at all, but apparently just a little too old. someone also suggested that the x-ray machine destroyed it, but i'm thinking it was just dried chemicals. boooo!
four. my mini diana tore the film sprockets. a common issue with the mini and one i was able to fix with the help of the lomo guys (they even gave me a free roll of film to replace the destroyed one). still need to get these developed. it'd be nice if they worked. it was really just a backup and fun camera.

i thought all of that was bad enough.
but get this!
last night as i was importing all of my images onto my computer, i realized i was missing an entire shoot. I thought i had just inserted the wrong card into my reader so i checked all of them. and then again. and then one more time. i know i shot them. i checked them all and they were beautiful. i even showed them to Danielle before leaving for brunch. i checked all of my cards in my camera and still... no images. they're gone. baaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!
checking the internet it seems that other photographers have had similar problems. corrupt cards, or something. i've got a fancy schmancy recovery program working it's magic. so my fingers are crossed. but my stomach is a little knotty.
GUH!

hey photography, i don't really want to break up with you. but if you need a break... all you gotta do is tell me and i'll back off a little bit. i do have other things i can do, you know.

learning to stand on your head

2011-01-19T11:56:00.000-08:00

oh my goodness gracious. tuckered does not even come close to how i'm feeling. i think it might be a few days before i catch up on sleep. maybe friday? do i have plans on friday? i can't remember anymore. i mean... i could cancel a few things and sleep. but do i want to? no. not really. give up celebrating my one year? naaaw. give up seeing great concerts? nope. give up seeing you? definitely not. give up chatting about photography? as if. give up celebrating you being 25? hells no. just as long as i don't fall asleep standing up again. that was a little embarrassing, though i'm pretty sure no one noticed. did you notice? did i snore? i probably snored.

i had a dream i told you you looked like a troll. i hope it was a dream. you've never looked like a troll.
my neck and shoulders are screaming. bus sleeping will do that. it might be time to make friends with a massage therapist.

exciting news? i think so...
today my photo company with Rob turns 1.
We are planning an evening of intense work (for more exciting news to come later), and then a lovely dinner at The Local Kitchen. I have been dying to try it out since it opened. So we'll have a cute little celebratory dinner and toast our general awesomeness.

sweet like Two Little Red Hens

2011-01-18T14:31:00.000-08:00

and short like... well... me.

yes, this is love.

this photo makes me almost as happy as you two do.

oh dear glorious long weekend.
i was stressed to the point of having to sing silly little songs on loop involving a monkey and a pig. i slept so poorly. constantly waking up with thoughts like "oh crap! did i use the right f-stop?" there was so much tizzy.

but... there are so many things that make me happy when i'm on the island. and those two lovely ladies are topping that list.
most of my shots are hipstamatic shots due to some seriously unfortunate camera disasters. but i'm learning to embrace the iphone photos.

I'll write much more later. After i've had a shower and a nap.
I'm off to see the Jayhawks tonight, and there will be no cameras involved. no more nightmares about f-stops or battery chargers growing legs and running away.
i hope.

i'm going to miss your stupid face

2011-01-13T14:02:00.000-08:00

obviously not the smart one. just the stupid one.

i am not ready to go. nope. not even a little bit. sorta packed. sorta not really. i'm still re-thinking which cameras to take with me. can you believe this? do you know how long i've been trying to decide which cameras to bring with me!? sometimes i kinda wish i only had access to one camera. just one. it would make my indecisive life so much easier to handle.
but oh boy am i excited! a longo bus ride to read the Creative Habit and No Great Mischief. Maybe I'll even sleep a little bit. though i can't imagine i'll be any less wired tonight.

i like that you read this. i find it so amusing that so many read this and talk to me about my posts in person. i kinda like that a little bit. personal conversations over my crazy ramblings. crazycrazycrazy.

my body was definitely not meant to sit at a desk all day. ouch my hips.

ps. i miss photographing people. like a lot. will you let me photograph you? please? there's only so many times i can photograph myself before we all get bored of my face.
are you bored of my face? i am a little bit.

i do not believe in new years resolutions. but i have decided that one thing i would like to accomplish this year is tackling my archives. scanning, editing, uploading. i'm on my way with my polaroids, but holy hell! those negatives.
so, dear friends. you may see more of me without seeing me at all. anti-social-moth.
also, would you like to play Chinese Checkers sometime? i have a new board. i'd like to try it out. the marbles are kinda fancy.

should i bring my sx-70 with me? i kinda like her.... but she is such a fussie little girl.

dizzy tizzy

2011-01-12T11:14:00.001-08:00

Canada Day, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i've worked myself up into quite the little tizzy. what a great word.
between the weather, and the quotes, and the lack of sleep, and the shoot, and the packing, and the tickticktick. are clocks on speed or am i imagining that? i'm a big ole stresspot.
ok. i'm sure that coffee didn't make things any better.
i have no nails to bite but i'm biting them anyway. ok. mostly chewing on the tips of my fingers. that's gross.
what the hell is wrong with me?!
i'm good at this. this last minute, toss some junk in a bag and head for the border thing. i'm great at it.
i'd love to blame the cold. but thanks to some magical chicken soup and some bed rest (ok. apartment rest. i can only stay in bed so long when i'm being told to stay there and there's no one to lose time with) i'm almost back to normal. besides the tizzy.
i think people need to use that word more often.
tizzy.

mind race!

i am going to go skating in Manhattan for the very first time. a figure skater of 14 years (trust me... that doesn't really mean i'm all that good. but i do love it) who is in New York every year, usually during the cold months, has never been skating in Manhattan!? pshaw! ridiculous.
but we'll fix that.
we'll fix that and we'll see art and camera walk and bum around in pjs with champagne in mugs.

ok. that feels better.

I've been listening to Beat ~~Happening~~ Connection on repeat. When the steel drum kicks in, i lose it. breathe. dance. dancebreathe.

i'd really love to see you.

I will save your prose with peanut butter

2011-01-10T13:43:00.001-08:00

Today i would like to stay just where i was. In the very centre of my bed with blankets to my nose.

My left ear is rejecting my ear phones. I can't say that I blame it. Hard plastic. But it seems to have settled a little since I put Owen pallett on. Reject not the sweet sound of Canada.

I finished a scarf this weekend and am half way through a new one. Great guns! Grape guns! Grate nuns!

I find you ohso intimidating at times. In a great way. But intimidating still.

Hey lungs, could you chill out for a bit. Think of this cold as an annoying friend visiting only once a year. I know you got sick of the visit already but it won't be long till it leaves. I promise. I got chicken soup to fight it.

-Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

i don`t feel like playing nice

2011-01-09T20:20:00.001-08:00

cool winter, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i don`t really have anything to say.
my mind is all cold mush.

cough. cough.

i`m sick of coughing and pressure headaches and heck. i`m sick of my bed.
didn`t think that day would ever come.

this week is going to be busy and long and exciting.
remember that no-sleeping phase i was going through.... well it`s about to get worse. i am far too excited to see all of you to sleep.

can i go play in the snow yet

you won't take me

2011-01-06T14:08:00.001-08:00

NYC 2008 28/30, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i'm distracted. surprised?

Do something epic. shall i roll up my sleeves first? take a deep breath? take off my socks?
you can't do something epic with socks on.

i have no nails to bite, so this can't be a nail biting activity. terrified? not particularly. excited? sometimes. but not always. sometimes it comes and goes and jumps up and down then lies flat for a while.

i want to play in the snow and skate circles around you.

so what shall this be?
i have art pieces running through my brain on a loop. do me! do me! do me! they shout. i'm used to that. just not from art pieces. (i kid! i kid?)
and what shall i do? which one first. am i attached to them still? attracted... attached. are they like lovers? boyfriends? friends? am i still attached to them?

will someone please just pay me to exist? i'd like to focus my time and efforts on my photography. on creating my own magazine. on publishing beautiful art books. on learning how to master Victorian art techniques. on mastering lace making. on finding brilliant things in dusty, musty vintage stores and estate sales. on exploring other places. on developing film in my bathroom. on reading books in fabulous nooks. (yes i rhymed)

no wonder i can't sleep.
secrets, lies and lonely nights.

i miss new york.

also on a loop right now:
YELLOW OSTRICH - Whale.

can we dance? i mean... i know you don't like me very much anymore. but.... i do like to dance. and so do you.

Today is wednesday

2011-01-05T07:47:00.001-08:00

It's true. It is

I'm having a terrible time sleeping lately. I'm fighting a cold and need the sleep but every time I lay down and close my eyes, my mind awakes and starts doing laps. I've tried all the usual suspects. Warm milk, hot bath, herbal teas, bad movies, soothing music, reading, yoga, thinking about the ocean, deep breathing and even counting sheep. Yep. They were in a lovely grey scale.
Do you dream in color? I'd like to think I do but I usually only remember shades of grey. Brilliant whites and velvet blacks. I remember dreaming in yellows for a while. While I was shooting my thesis. You'd think yellow dreams would be happy but the color filled me with dread. Oh thesis.
I think I'd like to go back to school. Masters? Minor? Teaching? I miss the stress of essays and due dates and exams and presentations. I miss the feedback and the creative environment.
Like at Columbia. Or Toronto Life. Creativity and challenges. I miss hours spent in the lab, delirious and wired, taking breaks to giggle at model mayhem. Collaborating with talented friends.
I miss being told I'm wrong, or i need to try harder.

Apparently this brain is still running laps. Silly brain. Don't you know I'm at work?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

grip harder, dear friend

2011-01-01T13:24:00.001-08:00

too many thoughts, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i think my brain has been doing illicit drugs without my permission or my knowledge. or maybe it's just that 'oh crap! it's a new year... now what?' moment i always pretend doesn't exist. it shouldn't exist.
so... now what?
the most brilliant playlist is on, my first polaroid of the year is on the desk in front of me, the greatest dinner ever made will be set on the table in just over an hour, my first published work will be available very soon, i have the most stunning photograph of you looking down on me. i am sitting in the messiest studio space i've ever seen. it's driving me crazy. i should clean it. or maybe i should pack it all up and sell it.
sometimes i move so fast i forget to breathe or think or feel. and i want so desperately to slow down. but everytime i do i'm flooded with all of the thoughts and breaths and feelings i thought i had been fast enough to escape. but you don't escape them. they follow you waiting for the perfect opportunity to wrap around you. like a scarf or arms or blankets. all of those things are lovely. except when there are millions of blankets or arms or scarves around you all at once. it makes it a little difficult to move. and i like to move.
i think i've slowed down just enough to get a glimpse of what awaits me when i finally stop moving. sleeping till noon and staying in bed until the mid afternoon. and every bit of it has been perfect. except that now i am in tears thinking of the bits and pieces that need dealing with. i'm far too sensitive.
so.... now what?
time to do some interior clean ups. and not just the messy studio space.

you were right.
i just wasn't ready to admit it.

Merry new things

2010-12-31T17:56:00.001-08:00

I'm getting so muxed dipped on the greetings and merries now. Happy birthday, merry new year, congratulations on your Christmas.

I was strangely hoping for a quiet night. I'd rather stay in bed with champagne and home made food and cheesy movies and maybe you? But this'll be good. Cash an chaos and loud music. I'll dance in my seat and cheers random strangers. Merry happy congratulatory!

It's going to be busy.....

So this is me wishing you a happy merry new day week month year.

I must admit i'm happy. So happy to you also

Xo.f

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Solace

2010-12-06T21:15:00.001-08:00

Solace, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

After two long years of fighting illness after illness, and an especially tough final year of losing those battles, I made the heart wrenching decision to give my cat some peace.

and i miss her already.

exciting news

2010-11-26T07:38:00.001-08:00

kay, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

this'll be a little repetitive for those on my mailing list, so forgive me.
I've been sitting on some exciting news, as i said. I was asked to keep it quiet until the official announcement came out. And it's out... so....!
here's the official announcement:
" Square Magazine’s Special Issue #1 is now online, with the winners of our “A Year in Square” competition, organised with Lomography. They will receive a Diana Mini and will have their images published in Square Magazine’s forthcoming book.

So well done guys, thanks a lot to everyone for contributing!

The winners are: Yoann Blanc – Candice Hazouard – Erin Woodgate – Ben Galvin – Frances Beatty – Tania Blázquez Andreu – Zöe Gruszeckyj – Volodymyr Kolbasa"

I'm on pages 44 through 57.
check it out!
http://issuu.com/square_magazine/docs/hs_lomography?viewMode=magazine

the book will be released by the end of the year to buy. You should definitely buy one. and let me know if you do so I can send you a letter of thanks. (and do a happy dance)

I'M PUBLISHED!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeee!
i think i'm still a little in shock. occasionally it hits me and i get all overwhelmed with happy and can't stop myself from doing my goofy little happy dance.

you may recognize a face or two.
Thank you to all of you beautiful people for inspiring me.

There's more news to come. hopefully this weekend.
gosh. i feel like i've been busy.

i woke up with nothing

2010-11-19T08:41:00.001-08:00

fall, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i woke up this morning facing the window. confused by the light and the leafless tree. everything was brighter than it should be and the trees had a layer of snow topping their branches. and the colors? there were no colors. shades of grey. i started to lament the speed at which the colors disappeared and then i woke up. facing the window.

your lips and your hands and your words and your laugh.
let's dance again.

i am in so much trouble.

teachers pet

2010-11-19T08:17:00.001-08:00

teachers pet, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i have news!!!!!!
but i can't tell you just yet. the official announcement should be in a couple of days and then i'll fill you in!

pretend you're a church mouse

2010-11-16T08:32:00.001-08:00

mom, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

(Photo taken on Thanksgiving 2007 with 1970's sx-70 film. My Mom and Sister)

sometimes i wonder where these sentences come from.
i do a lot of stream of consciousness writing, you see.
i find it terribly difficult to go back to something i've written and edit it. it's hard to get back to the same headspace and it changes the entire feeling if i'm coming at it from a different headspace. i guess that means i can never really be a writer, doesn't it?

I guess one thing I forgot to mention was that I also finally updated my website. I still have a lot more images to go through and update as well, but I now have a polaroid section which makes me a little giddy. I am finally sharing my most favorite images.

Frances Beatty Photography

did i tell you I adore my mom? yep. it's true. i'm sure that's evident by some of my posts, but i'm going to outright say it. the lovely lady came over on Sunday and knit and chatted with me while I worked on my photos and stressed out over deadlines. She even tidied up my work space a little when i wasn't looking. Then the two of us headed over to my even more stressed out sister's house and we made her and her boyfriend a lovely dinner for when they returned from a work weekend.
Everytime I start thinking about moving back to New York City, or switching my home to London I end up having a weekend like this and get a little sad at the thought of being geographically distant from my family. le sigh....

some exciting news...

2010-11-15T13:26:00.001-08:00

gray days in Liberty Village, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

Remember how I said I've been busy? Like super duper busy? well, part of what's been keeping me busy was archiving my polaroids. Yep! I was finally given that nudge I needed to dive in and kick that tasks ass.
well, i finally got through close to 400 scans (yep, and i'm still not completely done and haven't even started in on my negatives. oy!) and decided it was time to put up my etsy site.
I cannot tell you how scared I was. Like shaking scared! Assuming that other people are going to like your work as much as you do, or at least enough to buy it. whoa! That's not an assumption I felt comfortable making for a long time, and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to assume that, but I am ready to see what happens.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
check it out!

eff dot on etsy

xo.

i want to woo you

2010-11-13T14:45:00.001-08:00

NYC 2008 1/30, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

on a train no less. chugging through quiet forests. watching the trees collect snow, while my heart gathers dust.

i am nowhere near where you are.
i am nowhere near where i should be.
and my feet and i argue.

so i shall woo you on a train. chugging through quiet forests.

Tonight!

2010-11-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

I have a little soft spot for this musician I know. If you're in Toronto tonight you should drop by the Supermarket to understand why. If you're not in Toronto, I'll miss you terribly, but you can check him out online: Daniel Sky Band

DANIEL SKY BAND

with guest QUIQUE ESCAMILLA
November 11, 2010
Doors at 9pm

Haunted Halloween

2010-11-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

Heather, and her family, mom and I went to Casa Loma for the ghost hunt last week. We didn't really find any ghosts, but boy did we have a blast looking for them!
Have you ever seen Casa Loma after hours? it's waaaay more fun and unbelievably magical. I still work there from time to time. well, sorta. I mean I have the opportunity to work there from time to time but I'm taking a little breather to focus on photo. I'm part of the catering staff when I am there and they don't usually let us run off to explore (though of course it happens a little bit). I was stoked to be sharing this place with my mom especially. she hadn't been since I was 8(?). we came for the Alice in Wonderland exhibit. the Jaborwokee (sp?) was in the pool, and I got a bloody nose. I got a lot of bloody noses when I was little.
I wasn't going to share these originally because i sometimes feel like this should be a place with serious thoughts and photos, but I'm happy with these and that night was way too much fun not to share. besides... it's my blog. I can switch it up from time to time, can't i? it doesn't always have to be letters to you.
If you get the opportunity to check this out next year, you should! one of the guys in charge is a bit of a twit, but the lady is lovely and the head honcho at Casa Loma is a really great story teller. It was fun to listen to him, and even more fun to shoot Casa at night with super mood lighting. DREAMY! (there are so many photos!)

this is my mom. isn't she lovely?

the demon they found buried nearby

listening for ghosts. we got a second (private) tour of the tunnels.

so long headaches

2010-11-02T21:10:00.000-07:00

new glasses! (again)
i finally caved in and got my eyes properly checked. the reading glasses were a nice layover, but they were too strong. but now! now i have two new pairs of fabulous glasses and i can see! no more headaches while editing. so no more excuses.

Things have been busy. i'm working on a post that will explain what i've been up to. but first.... first i must get some sleep. i'm pooped!

xo.

two seconds later...

2010-10-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

self-portrait from reflections for Unravelling with Susannah Conway

I always have a scary case of writers remorse after admitting something i'm less than proud of, even if i haven't really revealed anything at all. (can you guess what novel i'm reading? betcha can't)
it's funny... my art reveals far more than I ever do on this blog, and I'm aware of that but never have artist remorse... but writers remorse? i'm all over it!

Katie West by Katie West

i've always looked up to an old high school friend for being so open and honest in her art and in her writing. You should check her out if you haven't already. She's a bit of an internet/flickr sensation, and rightfully so. Katie West (please note... may not be appropriate for work) She's created some self-published books and recently a magazine, which is available on Magcloud called Nanoka.

i am not a pretty girl (untitled 1)

2010-10-14T09:27:00.001-07:00

i am not a pretty girl (untitled 1), originally uploaded by eff_dot.

gettin' a little personal? this photo makes me want to let you in, even if just a little bit.

I'm reading a book I'm not particularly proud of. In fact, I've been leaving it at home because I shudder every time I see it in my purse. A mainstream novel I'm actually enjoying. It's hardly Marguerite Duras, but it is filling a spot right now. Just another reason to get myself a Kobo?

I've been shredding the skin around my fingernails today. A terrible habit I have whenever I'm nervous or stressed. I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing it today though. I'm not terribly nervous about this date tonight. I (not so) secretly love first dates. I'm a serial first dater, though a terribly lazy one. I like to think of them as fabulous social experiments. And not just for the (un?) lucky guy I've wrangled into being part of the experiment, but also for myself. I have unconsciously created a sort of first date ritual for the night before. I only realized that last night. Strangely enough, the last guy i dated (if you can call it that) for any length of time didn't get that first date treatment. But my last first date? Sure thing. and the one before that? yep.
I am looking forward to tonight. It'll kick my last first dates ass, as it will not include a sauna like building and food poisoning. Well... here's hoping, at least.

on another personal note... i'm kicking my scarfs butt! i will no doubt have this one finished before first snow fall. Tassels included. I have this romantic vision of the first snow fall stuck in my head today. Kay and I have been day dreaming together about cuddling up under homemade blankets and watching movies from our childhood in my childhood home. I love that she daydreams about my house almost as much as I do. It was such a lovely place to grow up. Of course, if this does happen, there will be dancing in fluffy flakes and angels in fresh snow between movies.

i am not a pretty girl (untitled diptych 1)

2010-10-12T20:15:00.001-07:00

i am not a pretty girl (untitled diptych 1), originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i often start these entries off with 'remember...' but today i'm not sure i want to. i remember. sometimes not so well, but these days, these days i remember a little too much a little too quickly.

i'd like to say that i'm ready to break away from these ideas and these feelings and these bits and pieces i don't want to live with anymore. and then i'll stumble upon you in a web, and i'll lose my train of thought.
i wonder what life would be like had you not helped me pack. had i not been chewing on the flesh of my feet.
i wish we were still friends. warming our hands by the eternal flame that sputters out.

and then i'll pause and fold my disappointment back into my pocket.
you should stay in there while i finish my thought.

i'd like to leave. and i'd like for you to come with me.
i'll bring the ukulele, you bring the voice and we'll hum our way across the ocean.

Cradling an achey heart

2010-10-06T20:39:00.001-07:00

Lockeport Beach, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

I've been dragging my feet for a few days now. Cradling my heart, and withdrawing. I'm not terribly good at dealing with my emotions, and i have them a-plenty. emotions, that is. some say it's because I'm a Pisces. I'm not so sure about that. What I am sure about is that I have a big heart and I tend to love big and love a lot, which means I hurt big, and hurt a lot. (shhh! don't tell. it's a bit of a secret) I'm not really great at admitting or showing people just how much I hurt (or care, for that matter) so I tend to turtle myself away until I've moved beyond that moment.
This week I wasn't so great at that. I didn't know how to tell you and that broke my heart again.

We lost an old friend of ours last week. The mother of my very oldest friend. Someone I spent my summer's with every year from the age of 6 to 19 (and a couple of years added in here and there).
It was very sudden. My heart cracked for our loss, but broke for yours.
I wish I could be there to hug you.

I've been flooded with memories, and with the sound of your voice since Sunday.
Very few of my fondest childhood memories don't include at least a portion of you. You and those two (+ one adopted) boys of yours. And plenty of them include you laughing, or lecturing the boys or a combination of the two. Especially once Pete arrived on the scene. He caused quite a lot of trouble, didn't he? No wonder I love him so.
In your absence I will hold these near, and miss you terribly.

this....

2010-10-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

this makes me very very happy. and it comes at the perfect time. i'll explain why later.

Ben finally received the original polaroid i sent him ages ago. i was terrified it had gotten lost in the mail. i would be devastated. but now... now i don't have to be!

plus it was coupled with a lovely email with more than a paragraph about receiving the photograph. i don't often get long letters from people. My roommate surprises me once in a while and i love those to bits, but i always wish i received more. once upon a time i would get 27 page emails from a certain someone. it happened oh so regularly. (and yes, i mean 27 pages printed out. we were crazy once upon a time) i loved those days. long letters and long talks and getting to know yous. not just with him, but with friends and family and pen pals. i miss those days.
i've started writing letters again. so beware!

silence

2010-10-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

terribly sorry for the silence.
it's been really hectic.
i'll have more to share when i have a few moments to gather my thoughts.

but in the meantime... GLITTER!
yes, glitter.
tonight is a night of glitter, and cookies, and dancing. OH MY!

i love fall. it's my favorite for so many reasons.
it includes some of my all time favorite things...
jackets and scarves.
pumpkin everything. especially pie.
our old school wood stove. crackle crackle!
apple picking, chopping, crushing, drinking. apple cider! yum!
cuddling up under homemade blankets and watching movies.
turkey dinner.
leaf jumping and crunching.
drives through the country.
harvest colours.
brisk evenings.

the only thing i'm terribly sad about... the end of farmers markets. my market closes next wednesday. I'm going to miss my favorite farmers and my afternoon strolls and browsing and sampling and chatting.

and for you, my favorite anonymous friend...
i am off to the country tomorrow morning. bright n early. and i will be stocking up on packs of polaroid. so prepare yourself for art.
and for a return of the apple pie. though not the kind you made me on Wednesday. It was delicious, by the way.

i like the idea of believing you. believing in you.

fly further, farther, far.

2010-09-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

I love alliterations.
I'm not loving today though. It's so full of thinking. and thinking never got me anywhere. Yesterday's late night"what the hell am i doing?!" conversation, combined with that job prospect in, gasp, NYC, I'm still waiting to hear back about, and this design job that's weighing heavily on me. It's making my head spin. I'm at point A... I think I know what point B looks like, but I can't seem to find the path between the two.

I'd lovelovelove to go back to school. I feel like there's one more stepping stone i need/want. but I can't commit to the time or the finances.
Heck, i can't seem to commit to anything these days. I love finding things that are running away so that I can avoid that. Yes, please introduce me to your friend who's moving to England. I'm sure i'll love him. No, really. I probably will.

(soft) quitting Palais was a great idea. It has freed up my weekends to create, and i love that. I'm starting to feel human again. and not being surrounded by constant negativity and stories about the cottage that make me shudder, I love it. but it's putting this enormous strain on my wallet.

and this city. this city i love. it's just so overwhelming right now. there are so many people and so few trees. and there's alwaysalwaysalways something going on. It's funny. That's what I usually love about it. but right now? right now I miss the country. Sometimes I day dream about moving into our white house in the east coast. I could wake up and drink my coffee on the deck, staring out at the ocean. Go for a run or meditate on the beach. Spend the day writing or shooting or knitting or creating jewellery or sewing. Cook a lovely dinner and read a book before bed. Being there for two weeks was such a tease.

this week is so full. and i love that. but i miss my book. when coffee updates are finished tonight, i will go home. i will work long and hard on this design job and get it done. While it's processing, or while i'm taking an eye break, i think i'll clear out my reading nook. Then tomorrow when class is over, I'll go home and drink tea and read my book. yes.
and next week? next week i'm going to spend some time in the country. take my camera with me and spend some time in the grass.

Maybe one day I can design a way to have an extra day a week. or maybe more hours in the day? or maybe i should clone myself so i can get everything done and still have time to be an artist. did i just write artist?! yes. yes, i like that. i miss being an artist.
Remember when I went to art school? our art school. and when I had all of those art shows? and when I sold that photograph of you breaking my heart? I'd like to do that again. no, not the heart part. not at all. just the selling of the work part. the showing of the work. i miss being surrounded by fellow artists. not really you. i'm not sure you considered/consider yourself an artist. this weekend will be lovely. I will talk to artists and students all day long.
Once upon a time it made sense. and then it didn't. and then it didn't matter.

It's my mom's birthday next monday. maybe i'll make her dinner.

Music: Magnetic Fields - Strange Powers

calm atlantic

2010-09-15T21:32:00.001-07:00

calm atlantic, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i'm not sure you would recognize me.
i'd like to say that i'm not sure i recognize me. but i do.
it's just been a very long time.
hello, old friend. i've missed you.

I spent my break at the farmers market today. bundled in my favorite jacket and soon to be my second favorite scarf. apple cider in hand. I love fall and pears and pumpkins and rich colored flowers. I love spending time chatting with the farmers and enjoying some time alone to stretch my legs and use my senses.
I think i'd like to be a farmer when i grow up.

there's a slim chance that we'll be able to do apple cider this year. Thanksgiving weekend is so much better when there's apple picking, and chopping and crushing involved. wood stoves and cinnamon sticks.

things are exciting. and it's not just because of fall and farmers markets and fresh cut flowers. i'm not sure i'm entirely ready to share. it could be bigger than the moon, but it could also be smaller than an ant.
i wait with baited breath.

until then.... DANCE BREAK!

slowly

2010-09-14T08:54:00.001-07:00

slowly, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i love sleeping in the middle of my bed.
smack dab in the middle of my bed.

stretched out, curled up. blankets over my head, surrounded by pillows. lots of pillows. and sometimes with only one so i can enjoy the space. the immense space.
i love my bed. and i love that it's there for me. just me.

i've been waking up happy.
i like this.

new discoveries

2010-09-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

one of my lovely discoveries on my vacation... i need new glasses. I'm sure I could use a check up (it's been 3.5 years) and a brand new prescription (again 3.5 years). Luckily, my biggest problem with my eyes is they work way too damn hard to focus up close, and reading glasses seem to work just fine to correct that. soooooooooo!!!! I have new glasses! I can see! even bigger bonus... they didn't break my, already cracked and brittle, bank.
They're funkier than I normally go for, and I think i might even splurge for another pair of a different size/shape. Leave one pair at work, and one pair at home. I tend to break everything on the tos and froms.

I've been busy....
flickr has been updated.
and i'm now officially on Jpeg.

I'm planning on planting myself in front of the computer every day this week to finish my NS edits and try to get my etsy site up and running.
I could use the advice on which ones should definitely go in my shop... so if you have any suggestions, i would LOVE to hear them!

perhaps this is easy

2010-09-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

well easier than i think i thought it would be

test shot 1

test shot 2

test shot 3

final... stuck in endless preliminaries (self-portrait)

i'm not sure i want to talk to you. to see you. to know you. but i know that the thought of you not wanting to talk to me is more than i can bare. and i hurt.

once upon a time...

2010-09-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

in a far away land there was a girl who discovered she needed discovering.

a vacation on the east coast is not complete without:
...lots of sleeping
...artartart
...fresh baked goods
...card games and yelling
...knitting
...really really really long car rides
...exploration of a beach (OUR beach!)
...learning something new
...shooting (this time there were two kinds)
...feeling miserable/melancholy/home-sick/lonely
...a sense of clarity
...frigid swimming
...dancing on a beach

well... i think i can check those off my list. vacation is over.
i've got a lot of work ahead of me. and i'm nervous and overwhelmed. but so it goes.

This time next year... if things are as they are... i'm moving to the east coast.

you are unexpected

2010-09-06T11:32:00.000-07:00

This was last year. We came for matrimonial celebrations.
Now I'm just enjoying the bits and pieces that are mine. all mine.
we have a beach.
did you know that? i sure didn't. we have our very own beach and it is lovely.

No expectations. Honesty and some effort.
yes. i think you're lovely.

i am on a beach. computer is out only momentarily. i promise.
i think i might move here for a little while.
we'll see what happens tomorrow. but things... they are exciting.

this will have to do...

2010-09-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

Last night my sx-70 conked on me. right when i needed her most. i'm hoping it was just a hot day crap out and not a real one. we shall see when i hit the coast.
so these... these will have to do...

i adore my sister. it's been nice spending time with her lately. a perk of living and working close.

I think this one wins.

i have been dragging my feet and destroying my shoes.
pair after pair. drag after drag.
I have a month to get it together.
deadlines are better than due dates.

What will you do?

2010-08-31T12:19:00.000-07:00

August Break is (basically) over.

What're you going to do now?
my ideal... pack up and move to NYC. meet with some friends for Sunday brunch and head out with our cameras. maybe finally get that job at Paper.

my reality... head to Nova Scotia for some much needed shooting and writing and relaxing and catching up. come back and search for something in my field. find that art star and dance with him again and maybe go for a run once in a while.

i like this constant shooting. i think i'll stick with it.

last one?

2010-08-31T12:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure this has a place here.
or where it's place should be.
i'm not good at putting away the things that really need it.

you deserve all that i did not give you.
and less.

I leave tomorrow. TOMORROW!
my bags need to be packed. would you believe that an entire bag will be devoted to cameras and film and film and cameras? perhaps a book or two.
I'm trying to find a way to get everything that needs to be done tonight in time to go and see a gypsy folk band i've fallen in love with. it may mean a sleepless night. but music is worth it.

also... there's a post i'm working on for fake prom. i don't usually create an entire blog post about something like that, but i want to share the awesomeness that is Fashion Crimes. and also brag about the greatest dance partner I was able to scoop up. yes, scoop.
and.... my goal is to get everything ready to put my etsy site up while i'm away and finally finish that photo/wordstring book i've been working on for years.

and don't forget your head...

2010-08-27T07:39:00.000-07:00

Last night i got a package in the mail. a package full of art and postcards and pretty things.
I lovelovelove getting snailmail. very little makes me happier.

things i forgot today:
debit card
metrocard
lunch
brain
cash

things i did not forget today:
clean clothes
cell phone
coffee

i think things forgotten wins this round.

fumbled opportunities

2010-08-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

sometimes everything is better upside down.

this time next week i will be sitting on a beach, pounding out word strings, pretending banality reality does not exist. i am beyond excited. exclamation mark! i need to make sure i have my scanner working before sunday. I'll be chained to my apartment with red samples. it's a perfect time to scan all of the images i've been putting off.

i have managed to kick the ass of two very big unfriendlies in two days. why has it taken me so long to try!? if i can complete two big goals in just two days, why weren't they done ages ago? a silent phone and a turned off computer can do wonders.
you know what else does wonders? a clean bedroom. there is nothing better than waking up to a clean and organized bedroom.

with a flick of the wrist i created a magical world of cinematic envy. at 4 am no less. i don't think i'll ever be able to recreate. but i'll never stop trying.

firmly planted

2010-08-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

i'm not terribly sure i know how to do that.
they don't just hover an inch above the ground when i sit. they hover. always.

Plan C. it never works.

I am in the midst of purging and shutting down.
Perhaps in preparation for my two weeks (semi)off the grid. perhaps for my sanity. period. I guess I can also give a little bit of credit to Jason, and his suggestions/experience with slowing down a little.
I think i'd still like a year spent farming. or to steal your idea of opening an antique shop in a foreign country.
how are you, by the way? i sometimes miss our long talks about nothing and our lists.

videovideovideo

2010-08-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

I definitely still need to practice my video shooting and editing skills. i am no expert. but i had fun doing it and still kinda dig it.
tell me what you think!

beach bums 2010 from eff_dot on Vimeo.

EDIT!

2010-08-23T21:28:00.000-07:00

i just finished editing my very first video.
it was all filmed on my little teeny tiny zumi.
i'm very excited to share it, and get some feedback. as i'm new to this, i could use the tips!

stay tuned for a link.

challenge for becca

2010-08-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

name me, please

[a challenge for becca, or anyone interested in playing. my sx-70 has been the love of my life for well over 5 years, but she remains unnamed. she's a lovely brown faux leather, transformer camera. she's finicky and fickle and i love her. she hates extreme heat more than extreme cold. so basically she's me... in camera form. could explain the love affair. oh... that and the prettyprettypretty polaroid pictures. so please... help me name her!]

what happens when the august break is over?

all of my goals for 2010. all of the ones i've never bothered to tell anyone. i'm pushing all of their deadlines up. up up up!
i'm sick of waiting to get started. time to quit and start anew while my phone is still silent and my trigger finger is warmed up. sweat bands and silly bands.

my vacation is turning into a work vacation. but i like it that way. i am going to hermit myself away in my very own white house. filled with genuine kitsch and the smell of old and bonfire. i am going to build my empire surrounded by trees. and polish my word strings with my feet in the ocean.

it just occurred to me how very little i talked to you. i keep things too close. i'm not sorry. but i'd like to change. not me. just that.

all done.

2010-08-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

there's a lot that i'd still like to say. but i think i'll hold them in. hold them tight.
still full of doubt and dislike and confusion.
but so it goes. part of being me and wanting to understand the ins and outs and ups and downs of inner tickings. your gears are a mystery to me. i like puzzles. but they keep me up at night when i can't solve them.

all signs are gone. everything is.
and i'm surprisingly ok with that.

i'm glad things are crystal.

we end with a period, not a comma.

playing house

2010-08-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

ninja foot bath on franallie's Sunday Funday

last night we played house. played domestic. we talked candidly and logically about relationships. our situations slowly mirroring. it's fun. it's done. that's ok.
we made lunches together and attempted to watch movie after movie after movie. always ending up in the kitchen reviving plants or cleaning or cooking.
'i think we need to mop the floor. our feet, they are black.' and so we puddle jumped in faux porcelain and sploshed with laughter.

we made the most colorful egg salad imaginable and planned nibbles for our friday party.

i'll wake you up, if you wake me up, and we'll coffee together.

lacking the word strings

2010-08-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

i'm a wee bit preoccupied today and the word strings are not forming easily.
i'm longing to talk to someone/anyone but my mind was gessoed last night. if only it was in preparation for a master piece. instead i think i'm just covering the doodles and the ramblings.

i hate silent cell phones.
i miss your voice.

i'm off to the park to celebrate Eric's birthday. then I'll be conquering my biggest fear. i'm getting shivers just thinking about it.
luckily Alliepants will be next to me.

tomorrow you're back and we'll spend the earlyearly morning hours pretending you never left. i wish i was there with you. exploring and adventuring. i'd even be your wing (wo)man if you really want/need.

for a change

2010-08-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

click click click.
sometimes when i'm wearing heels i get very excited about the click they make.
Sarah and I used to pretend we were flamenco dancers while waiting for the subway or for our ride. Of course, she actually is a flamenco dancer now. Me... I still like to pretend.

today is August 20th

2010-08-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

and that means it's your birthday.
Happy Birthday, Eric!!!!

say hello next time

2010-08-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

sometimes i forget that people read this.
do you read this?

i hate

2010-08-19T09:18:00.001-07:00

Upstate NY, originally uploaded by eff_dot.

i hate it when you're upset. it makes my heart ache.
i wish i could do more.

one day i'll learn magic. the magic art of finger snapping. and i will snap away your asthma/diabetes. i will snap you a new computer without a virus. i will snap my ability to express myself to you without confusion or go-betweens. i will snap you a new job. i will snap you here. i will snap your migraine away. i will snap you money. i will snap myself to ireland for cuddles and creme brulee (though that one is admittedly half selfish).

until then... you're welcome to borrow my silly band. or spin with me out in fields.

i am sorry, truly.

trying to tie

2010-08-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

toronto. toronto. toronto. toronto.

i have spent years trying to convince my lil sister to move back to toronto. i miss her, you see. i'm terribly terribly selfish. i truly do think it'd be a smart move on her part also, but i will fully admit that mostly i'm just selfish and miss having her around for brunches and walks and talks and late night movies. the only really big problem? i'm not even sure i want to be here. i love toronto. i do... i'm just not sure it's the place for me.

i'm glad you love toronto and that you would prefer to be here.
i wish i felt the same.

for an august break post... that was rather wordy. i'll blame the mini hangover.